Haunted Painting & Clairvoyant

Even though I promised myself a while ago not to throw any painting away anymore, even not to paint over them, I tried to throw this one away.  

Don’t you also think of it as ugly as well? Yet, there is something powerfully memorable or rememberable about it. 

haunted flying god

Is that the texture or the bold gestural confidence it emits. Maybe the conveyance of superstitious energies which have been encapsulated. This strange insect-like man flying over a road sweeps a car racing beneath. Perhaps a traveller from another world… Mistakenly landed here and not yet reformed fully.

I haven’t seen him in my dreams nor I’ve ever fantasized about him. I don’t even believe in the existence of such creatures. Just a random creation of the creative forces. The randomness of happenings is not my thing. Cause and reason don’t accept randomness. 

Somehow, the act of painting embodies him. Thought takes shapes. As real as any other object, distorted or not, painted or thought. The power of an artist is the ability to materialize the energies in different forms. Francis Bacon used to predict the future in his paintings, painting not yet happened/lived scenes which looked absurd to the models/friends. 

One early Saturday morning, not long ago from today,  I called a clairvoyant. I found him from an online website. I chose him among many others. Clairvoyants, psychics, mediums…

The clairvoyant I chose could see the future, was stated on his profile, and hear from spirits. Some spirits would come during the chat and give guidance. I am always curious about this kind of stuff. ESP (Extra Sensory Perception), Turkish coffee cup reading ( Is there something called faith or a readily available path? I believe in mind. We learn to be who we are and we are to be perceived. But, that doesn't change the fact that I called a clairvoyant at a moment of life-doubt.

This gentleman, from the start, getting things wrong, told me about an art area called psychic-art. Psychics draw-paint and create art by connecting to spirits. When they finish the painting process, they generally have no recollection of the process. 

Not to worry, I am not one such. Still, that is always I believe how people “create” art through connecting with energies of sorts according to their level of skills and knowledge to recall during that zoned out connection time. 

Wikipedia :

Apophenia (/æpoʊˈfiːniə/) is the tendency to mistakenly perceive connections and meaning between unrelated things.[1] The term (German: Apophänie) was coined by psychiatrist Klaus Conrad in his 1958 publication on the beginning stages of schizophrenia.[2] He defined it as "unmotivated seeing of connections [accompanied by] a specific feeling of abnormal meaningfulness".[3][4] He described the early stages of delusional thought as self-referential, over-interpretations of actual sensory perceptions, as opposed to hallucinations.[1][5]

The psychological phenomenon that causes some people to see or hear a vague or random image or sound as something significant is known as pareidolia (par-i-DOH-lee-a).

The Rorschach inkblot test, an attempt to gain insight into a person's mental state.

The word is derived from the Greek words para, meaning something faulty, wrong, instead of, and the noun eidōlon, meaning image, form or shape. Pareidolia is a type of apophenia, which is a more generalized term for seeing patterns in random data.

In 2007 in Singapore, a callus on a tree resembled a monkey, leading believers to pay homage to the "Monkey god."

A cinnamon bun bearing a likeness of Mother Teresa was first discovered at the Bongo Java Café in Belmont, Tenn was on display for about 10 years, until it was stolen on Christmas day in 2007.

For Carl Sagan, it was a survival tool. 

I am more on the Leonardo da Vinci plane on this as the times are not hunter-gatherers.

"If you look at any walls spotted with various stains or with a mixture of different kinds of stones, if you are about to invent some scene you will be able to see in it a resemblance to various different landscapes adorned with mountains, rivers, rocks, trees, plains, wide valleys, and various groups of hills,", Leonardo Da Vinci.

That’s simply how I paint. The divine connection to the unseen, a vision to beyond the tangible reality, the creative force, Pareidolia.

Will I call a clairvoyant again, I am asking this question to myself since. The answer is, yes. At another time of a mind turmoil early in the morning, no run or a brisk walk could calm my rushing mind down. When the only way to reach the tranquil shores would be painting or working, and yet I obtain no power to do either. I will go and browse through profiles of many clairvoyants with a curious pleasure, read about their tarot skills, their connections with angels, spirit guides and I will press the call button. I will ask a direct question, a precise, well-prepared one and I will wait like a bronze age statue. I will wait for the clairvoyant to do what he/she does best, to connect with the other worlds and bring the messages to me. I will not speak randomly to create a suspicious suspension as I did the last time, but wait like a stoic before a coming storm, tasting the smell of earth in the grey rains.

Still, that doesn’t explain why my painting has been haunting me. Painting it was a ride through an abstract, the buildings were emitting evening light and my goosebumps were licking the empty air. A  breeze from the South and couple raindrops tightened my senses. I was painting and was in the zone. After hours of toggling, chipping off the plaster, carving out the shapes that meant to be there, I turned the canvas upside down as a habit in abstraction. That is when I saw that strange semi-insect go like creature flying over the car through the vastness of the city road.

After I took a bunch to recycle place, I went home feeling relaxed after a collision of a mission. 

As vivid as it can get, I remember putting it in the car and leaving it outside the large metal bin with the other items.

4 days later, here it was, hanging with pride outside of my studio wall which I share with Alan. Got it, I said, looking directly to the crooked smile radiating behind the dripping yellowish coat of resin.   “You thought you can get rid of me but here I am. I can fly…” it said, or I heard so.

Even though possibly I have never taken it down the recycle, highly likely, I just have a distorted memory. I remembered my intentions as if they were clear acts. ı know this to be the fact yet it still doesn’t make sense.



Birdman by Ayse Balkose

Birdman by Ayse Balkose

This is my personal life style blog which is devoted designing of my life as a peaceful, content, productive, healthy, mentally stable person who enjoys life, its offerings and who adds value to everything around her.

There is a lot to do. I am always a bit living on the edge, anyway. My edge is the right edge.

Since I came to Istanbul, all my routines are out of the window. There are no short walks in the woods or anywhere else, or hot water with lemon. I feel a different person here, a strange version of myself. The best part comes when I left myself to the experience with knowing I will be back home . It will be tough at the start to adjust but I will have a different routine. It will be so much better.

SO far so good. How could I be sure of this? Because I have done this so many times.

The last 2 years’ focus was more or less my reading habit as it was close to a box of granolas’ reading habits. I was still sounding healthy and sweet though.

Then, it was personal style… my silver hairs, clothes that reflects my personality were more in my trajectory? The answers took their time to arrive. 

I did some self-explorations for this. It is all about the look, innit?

I started a very personal podcast of short self-talks to help me out to identify my character. Just for the sake of determining my style, I know, you don’t need to say.

On Itunes: I AM Ayse

Anchor: I Am Ayse

I over eat when I am hiding or running away from a decision or situation. I try to ignore it or turn my back. I hide my face behind food. I don’t care about weight as I gained my confidence about my physical appearance when I was over weight.  All I know is “feeling light feels good”. 

Now is time, I feel, to determine the next step. What activities would this Ayse enjoy to do? What would she eat?  This is my new personal development project… I will update you if you like, of course. Send me yours as well on twitter, instagram or email.

I am going for raw vegan diet for the next 2-3 months after I return to Sheffield from Istanbul. Taking a look at my life as a system is my intention.

Trara ra ra ra


The Chose of Move and Band:

Film: Cold War;  Absolutely stunning performance. The cinematography is at its high ends. Normally not a fan of black and white that much but this is a stunning movie. I intent to re-watch it.

Listen: Esbjorn Svensson EST:  They were making the finest Jazz the ears could swallow.

See you in two weeks.

Subscriptions are through my website: www.aybalse.com

Art: #2 Painting Talks, Istanbul

2,5 min read

Before start to say anything about anything, wanna say, thank you for your courageous words after my first 2 short blogging newsletters. It feels warm and right to write and send. Still if you want me to stop, a whisper goes a long way.


17 min , Listen to the extended blog

Just couple hours ago, I was welcomed at a home who have had one of my painting on their wall for the last 12 years. 

(I took the photos below early evening with an old iPhone, as I completely forgot the host have had one of my paintings.)

Fantasy is Reality

They were different times then. I left my management job, searching for the path of my heart/soul/mind. I joined a theatre group, feeling free and unquestionably hopeful. They were the times of painting on my kitchen table and the floor with anything I could find. I knew this was absolutely what I wanted to do. I was an artist, a real artist with a low self-esteem.

I had a ritualistic way of painting. First, I chose the colour pallet of the background. The colours would create an emotional response, reflect the atmosphere of me. Then I started painting with pastels, oil pastels, smudging them with my fingers. It was essential to feel the paint through my skin, or vs. Let the surface to the paint feel me so they could paint me over, all over…

The third step was staring, waiting for the picture to reveal itself to the eyes of my mind. When they did, it was blazing glory. There it was only available to my eyes, not from this world, but from somewhere else. They were gifts to me and they made me feel as I was a gift to them. 

Fantasy is Reality Detail

A poem… Playful, exotic, fun, adventures… 

Maybe my cousin had chosen the perfect name for me from her book; “The Adventures of Ayşegül” 

The unseen world, which I knew existed but didn’t know how to go to. How did it look like? How did I look like in there? Was I even there? Yes, I must be… Did I have any additional powers? What were my adventures?

The stars exploded, the galaxies twirled and wrapped their skirts around me as I painted.

This was 11 years ago. So much has happened in between. I know I could have done so much more if I had some belief in me then. It took me 11 years to build the belief, to overcome my low-self esteem and to say, this is a “good” painting, GooseBumps

The question arises “what is a good painting?” Well, I mean, a painting with a soul, a painting which its owner still has an immense pleasure of looking a it and showing it to their guests. A painting which was already painted and was waiting for the artist to reveal the veil.

Some people have that thing, their hands remove the veils.

It could be You.

A friend said once, “Generally Artists don't like their old paintings”.

May be, is that so really?
I guess I like them because they are not exactly mine.

Thank You again being with me, (sloppy me) and write to me via email, twitter, instagram, whichever is easy for you.


Exit24: #1 Morning Routine, BBC Sheffield Interview, Supplements, -reads-listens-watches

I have thought a lot about what to write as I’d like to share glimpses from my life.

If I were to be speaking with a friend over a coffee, what would we be talking about?


The Photo of the Newsletter; Hair of Freedom; taken (by me) during my stay at Rainforest expeditions as part of Trelex Artist Residency in Tambopata National Reserve in Peru. 

I was at the BBC Sheffield for the 8 March international women’s day.  I did the one thing that absolutely doesn’t work for me, that is to be prepared. Here it is, with all its glory;

Listen On Youtube


I finally have a morning routine which I am happy with.

The focus is on my mental clarity & stability; If I lose any of it, that is a battle has to be won fast.

Shortly; Hot water, take supplements, read for about an hour, have breakfast, go for a short walk, shower and start the day…

The glass of hot water could have a couple of drops of lemon juice and/or hint of turmeric in it and/or add a teabagto make a weak tea with the lemon/turmeric.

Take supplements: placebo or not. This is not a recommendation, simply what works for me. There are so many other things I know also work, but I am not applying them just right now.

My Supplements:

Vitamin C(1000mg) :For immune system support: I take one a day in the morning and haven’t got any flue since. This is what I use: Amazon: 

Vitamin B12(1000mg): For boosting and balancing the mood fluctuations :Amazon

  Niacin(500mg) (with no flu): For depression prevention, balancing my mood: Amazon

Recently I have started taking a mushroom complex. It should be taken on and off not all the time as with other medicinal plants.  I’d like to try it out a couple more weeks first before giving you a feedback.

The things that make me go Woux:

TheRead:  “Tales of the Dervishes” by Idries Shah;  Link to the book; Amazon:

I borrowed this book from a friend not expecting anything. What a jewel! Now, I want to read every book of Idries Shah’s. It is a compilation of short stories, the teachings-stories of the Sufi. Selected from the Sufi classics, from oral tradition, and schools of Sufi teaching from many countries.

TheListen: “Fry’s English Delight” BBC4 production;  I enjoyed the 1st,2nd and 4th. 3rd was pushing. Good driving series... 20 min each episode, 4 episodes in each series: free with audible subscription. I am sure you could download it elsewhere. Audible subscription

TheMusic:  “José González”; I found him very soothing and  poetic.Listen on Youtube, Wanna check it out on; Amazon

TheFilm:   “What we do in the shadows” ; I just laughed really loud.  Watch (£0.99 hire cost)

2014 New Zealand mockumentary[3] horror comedy filmwritten, directed by, and starring Jemaine Clementand Taika Waititi

TheWatch: I have 2 similar watches which would explain the reasons for vitamin supplement inlet'ss: Lets make them surprise: Youtube links to lectures; Watch Talk 1Watch Talk 2

See you next time